Muddy Waters
by sidsaid
Summary: Ben Solo is no stranger to expectation. Of Skywalker blood, he was told that the Jedi and the Light were the only path, but he never knew that it could be so suffocating. 'Muddy Waters' is a selection of snapshots into Ben's Jedi training and the mounting friction between himself and Luke, propagated by Snoke's whispers. [Contains TLJ Spoilers]
1. Chapter 1

**Hello.**

 **This will be a selection of snapshots into Ben Solo's time as an apprentice under Luke Skywalker and the turmoil that led to the birth of Kylo Ren.**

 **It's still not very clear how old Ben was when he destroyed the Jedi temple, so I still maintain it was late-adolescence/early adulthoodas my canon.**

 **Warning: THIS WILL CONTAIN THE LAST JEDI SPOILERS**

 **I do not own Star Wars, nor the characters associated with it. They are the property of Disney :3**

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 **#1**

 **Of Black Eyes and Broken Memories**

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Ben hated meditation. Regardless of how his uncle droned on about the necessities of meditation, it changed nothing.

He knew he was being selfish, however. Jojen had made it extremely clear the last time they had fought that Ben was acting like he was owed something and Ben wanted to believe that he was. It was his uncle who was the Jedi Master and it was Ben who had been his first pupil and that couldn't be taken from him. Therefore, the black eye that Ben was currently sporting was no surprise to the majority of the other students.

His uncle had spoken to him about it, about many things including; 'do not call me uncle, I'm Master Luke while you're here.' It made Ben miss home, or at least the equivalent. Even hyperspace runs alone with Chewbacca filled him with more family togetherness. It would have been nice if his uncle could have time for him alone, at least once.

Ben felt a pebble hit his forehead and he opened his eyes to see Xhona looking at him, her large dark eyes narrowed. She was leading the meditation session and knew he had slipped.

Refraining from reacting in a manner that would have led to another black eye or another berating from his uncle, Ben went back to meditation, wishing he was out traversing the skyline in an X-wing.

Eventually he drifted into a meditative state, exploring the world around him and feeling for the Force in the earth beneath him, in the clothes on his back and even within himself. The energy, though strange, felt exciting to behold. It knitted everything together and as Ben flowed from one thing to another, he could imagine how there was balance even between something as insignificant as mud on the heel of a shoe.

Then the reason he hated meditation became apparent. The screams descended, images of war and death and sadness and Ben couldn't escape it. It wanted to drag him under and as he fought it, the feeling seemed to knit within him until there was only silence and assimilation. It felt like a hand was on his shoulder, warm and resolute.

 _Follow me. I will guide you. Your true potential is beyond this._

'Ben!'

A slap against the face stirred Ben from his meditation and his thoughts were forgotten, as if plucked from his mind completely. It was Ikora who had slapped him, and despite being several years younger than him, she did have a talent for causing bruises.

'I thought you hated meditation. Do you plan on missing lunch again?' she questioned.

He looked around himself and saw that the sun was much higher in the sky than it had been and he narrowed his eyes at the young girl as he scooted away from her.

'What was I thinking about again?' He asked himself, wondering where he had gone to in his meditation and why he felt like he had been suffocating. 'Was meditation like this for everyone?' He considered, though did not have the desire to ask.

It was Mar who handed him a large stuffed rice ball and a canteen to drink from before sitting beside him. His friend seemed amused and Ben could plainly see that he was holding in his laughter at the purple bruising around his left eye.

'Are you absolutely useless with your fists, or what?' Mar commented, chewing loudly on his food.

Ben scoffed. 'Don't you think it's strange that everyone who wants to fight me, chooses to do so when I don't have a weapon in my hands?'

'Not everything is resolved with the Force, you know.' His friend responded simply.

They didn't understand. None of them had been born into the Force like Ben had and so none of them could share the same connection he did. Ben pitied them sometimes, and then there were other times when he looked in the mirror, and he was absolutely embarrassed with himself. Jojen had been right, Jojen was always right and Ben just never wanted to admit it.

He finished the rest of his meal in silence and got up, trudging into the temple, searching for his uncle before the Velocities lesson began. At the very least his uncle could enlighten him and fix these broken spots in his memory. Ben's hand held the handle of his Lightsaber against his hip as he walked, feeling for the crystal within and knowing that it at least relaxed him to feel it pulse in his palm. Ben moved through the large building, passing the kitchens and inner meditation rooms before reaching his uncle's quarters.

'I worry about him sometimes, Luke. If you could just keep me updated, I would be fine.'

Ben knew his mother's voice almost immediately and he slowed his movements, noting that his uncle was talking with the General through holocomm.

'I am too. The look in his eyes worries me, it reminds me of things I'd rather forget.' Luke responded.

The young Solo wasn't a fool and knew when he was being spoken about without much effort. His hand tightened on his Lightsaber at his uncle's words and he wanted to interrupt, to tell him; _if he had something to say, he could say it to his fac_ e. Ben didn't, however, and he cleared his throat, wanting to placate his uncle, despite frustration brewing within him.

'Ben?' Luke sounded surprised as he turned to his nephew, who looked less than amused. 'I was talking to your mother.'

'Good day, General,' Ben said tightly, his eyes not breaking away from Luke.

'Oh Ben, it's nice to hear your voice. Luke says that you can come home for a few days next month.'

Ben gave a non-committal sound of confirmation and the room was eventually silent. The young Jedi had become distracted and as he stood in his uncle's small council room, his eyes moving to the stone floor, he forgot what he had come to see his master for. The idea was not even a memory, but a ghost whose life had been taken in its sleep.

'Ben, are you okay?' Luke asked.

Though the young man had already turned away, rubbing his head with confusion.

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 **Thanks for reading.**

 **Here's to continued inspiration!**


	2. Chapter 2

**#2**

 **A Poisoned Apple**

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'1, 2, 3,' Luke repeated. With every word he clapped his hands together, watching as his students worked through their forms as if they were dancing in formation.

Despite the general seriousness of the task itself, the atmosphere was quite light, with Luke clearly able to see the smiles on several of his students' faces. He had taken some of them from suffering, from poverty, sometimes because he felt the potential in them, other times just because it felt right. In this moment, at the very least, he felt as if he could see the path ahead of him.

The students continued and once they were all drenched in sweat, the Jedi Master lifted a hand and they halted.

'Partner up so we can work through velocities.' Luke murmured. He took a seat perched on the edge of a boulder as he watched the children immediately argue over each other.

Ben was silent and immovable, his arms crossed in front of him. It was irrelevant who he was partnered with, as he always bested his partner. He supposed the others wanted to impress his uncle, so tried to partner with weaker opponents.

Xhona prodded him with the end of her practice weapon – a wooden stick shaped like a Lightsaber – and raised her chin to him.

'Feeling confident today?' Ben inquired, raising an eyebrow.

The young Mirialan laughed and leant against her weapon. 'I often wonder whether your ego has its own centre of gravity.'

Though she was a year younger than Ben, she reached his height and used it to her advantage quite frequently; by staring him down and headbutting him on occasion. Ben fully expected to outgrow her within a few months, but Xhona seemed to worry little about that.

'I hope she kicks your ass,' Jojen called from a few metres away, already eyeing up the much smaller Roonan; Penni, as his partner.

Ben narrowed his eyes at Jojen and with what little mastery of the Force he could manifest, flicked Penni's training sword into Jojen's crotch. The raucous mirth from the incident roused Luke out of a brief meditation and he saw Jojen rolling on the floor and Ben with a smirk across his lips. He rolled his eyes and flicked a hand, ultimately tripping Ben and causing him to land on his coccyx. He raged, but the laughter only grew.

'You deserved that, though.' Xhona stated, her arm held out for Ben to take. He pulled himself up, rubbing irritatingly at his butt.

Jojen eventually settled down and was ready to retaliate against Penni for not controlling his weapon, but took a breath instead, wanting to be the bigger man.

'Hopefully you've all made your picks so we'll get right into it.' Luke spoke, standing again. 'As usual we will start with Form I velocities, and I imagine since yesterday you haven't forgotten, though I do worry about you sometimes Uneed.'

There were several giggles at the expense of Uneed, the uncoordinated Nautolan, though Luke continued.

'Once you get your first hit or one of you yields you may move onto Form II velocities, however I do recommend that those who are hit or yield and subsequently have lost their duel, should consider why they lost. It is important to understand your shortcomings in order to improve yourself.' He rubbed his hands then and gestured for the group to start.

Ben began slow against Xhona, as if trying to mock her, though she just remained rather amused as she parried his strikes easily. Form I was incredibly basic, so the drill was comprised of only six simple strikes that even an eight-year-old could manage.

'You should yield so we can practice Form II,' Ben said simply.

He had read every Jedi text that his uncle had in his possession, he had obsessively watched his uncle practice (even without permission) and drilled himself on how each form worked and its purpose. Ben had already chosen what form he wanted to adapt for himself; Form V and so velocities were practicing things he already knew well. Form I was particularly offensive to him, however, as it wasn't inspiring. It was archaic Lightsaber combat, ineffective against any reasonably skilled opponent.

Xhona chuckled as she hit out at Ben again, speeding up the velocity. 'Perhaps not the most technical, but Form I _is_ where it all started; forged in balance, simplistic and raw. If Master Luke heard you speak so flippantly, he would chide you, Ben.'

Ben frowned briefly as he sped up to match Xhona so that she would not catch him distracted. He caught her eye and she was amused, not worried that he would win at all.

Then he felt his foot slip and Xhona's strike hit him across his shoulder, knocking him onto a knee. His eyes reached up to Xhona and she seemed surprised that she had managed to win, but he didn't miss the snort and he turned, meeting eyes with Tresha.

The thirteen-year-old's chuckles had petered out immediately after meeting Ben's eyes. The young Solo knew that he had not slipped on the hard, impacted dirt and that his ankle had been manipulated and here was the culprit.

'Ben, don't,' Xhona said quickly, reaching for his arm, but he had already flown off, barrelling directly into Tresha and his fists slamming into his face.

All the other students stopped immediately to watch, knowing that only a few of them could best Ben in a fist fight and none of them trusting that they could do so when he was in a rage.

Ben's fists ached almost immediately, but he was embarrassed and he wanted to make Tresha suffer and before Ben knew what he was truly doing, what the consequences would be, the skin on his knuckles had cracked and Tresha had a broken nose, was bleeding from his mouth, nose and the wounds that spread across his face. Ben felt satisfied for a moment, as if revelling in the spilling of blood, and it was addictive. It felt good to see his fellow human become incoherent and start to lose consciousness because of his actions.

'Ben, stop!' Luke shouted, pushing through the crowd.

He did not, however and Tresha was senseless, Ben not pausing.

Luke moved forward swiftly to pull his nephew from his other student. He was forced backwards, however, almost landing on his backside, but holding his hands out to balance himself.

Ben was ready to strike again—seeing the swelling of Tresha's features and thinking it intriguing—when his fist stopped and he looked at it in mid-air, as if it were being held back. Blood covered it and his eyes widened as he fell away from Tresha, onto his backside from being on his knees over the boy.

Xhona was pulling at him, and he could tell she was angry.

Several of the other students immediately went to tend to Tresha, followed by Luke, whose eyes were on fire.

'Take Tresha into the infirmary quickly,' Luke said tightly.

He approached Ben who was still cowering, looking at Tresha's broken face and then at his hands that were stained red. Luke couldn't read him, not at all. There had been such rage and irrational anger and then nothing. Ben was frightened, not of the expectation of a punishment, but of something else that Luke couldn't see. It was like a button had simply been pressed on and off.

Luke considered his nephew, staring him down until his eyes were finally met.

'One week solitary. Minimal food. No company. Meditation only. Understand?'

Ben nodded and Luke tried to search his expression for some explanation as to why he had such an outburst. While his relationship with several of the students wasn't good, Luke had never seen him do such a thing. Ben had been temperate when he was younger, he had chased butterflies and had been easily entertained by a game of Dejarik. Why was it so different now? Even his early training days had been different, yet the last two years had been increasingly difficult.

'I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…I don't know what happened,' he murmured, almost inaudible.

Xhona had pulled Ben up from the ground and led him into the temple, walking him to his punishment.

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 **Has been a while. Currently working on a Reylo multi-chap, coming to a screen near you.**

 **Thanks for reading. Please review! :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**#3**

 **Responsibility**

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Ben is adamant that he is ready for more responsibility. As the student who has trained the longest, he thinks he should be able to lead blast defence training. Luke chooses someone else.

Ben approached Luke's chamber with his hands clasped tightly behind his back and his mouth reciting the words he wanted to say to his uncle. If Ben came prepared with his own reasoning as to why he should lead the day's blast defence training, surely his uncle would see no reason to reject his proposal? He was the eldest student and had trained the longest, it was within reason that he would seek further responsibilities.

He knocked lightly on the wooden door and heard his uncle clear his throat, signalling him to enter.

'Oh Ben, I was just going to find you.' Luke murmured as he put a data pad down and glanced up at his nephew. His eyebrow rose as he saw the strained posture of the young man and the twitch in his jaw. 'Is there a problem?'

Ben shook his head and cleared his throat. 'Uncle…Master Luke, I think that I am ready for more responsibilities. I am the eldest of your students and have trained under you for the longest, so I think it would be good for me to set an example to the others by leading blast defence training from now on.'

Luke rubbed his chin, his fingers combing through the hair there as he looked over his nephew. 'What do you think is the most important quality in a teacher?' The Jedi asked, leaning back in his chair.

Ben cleared his throat, running through answers in his mind before he decided on one. 'Wisdom.'

'Why do you think that?'

'Well a wise teacher has witnessed the world longer, has experienced more things and should therefore have more knowledge.'

Luke nodded slowly. 'Perhaps. Though am I to assume that you believe age and seniority automatically means knowledge and experience?'

Ben hesitated for a moment before he began to nod. _Why is he making this so difficult?_ Ben thought with irritation, and Luke did not miss how Ben's right hand tightened into a fist.

'I will consider your request Ben, however you aren't the only one to ask the same. I also want you to consider whether it would be the right thing for you. The ability to teach comes through learning, through trying and failing, and above all, patience, not through seniority. I want you to remember that.'

'Yes Master,' Ben responded, feeling his throat tighten. He bowed lightly and turned away, his hand reaching to grip his Lightsaber as he exited the temple.

After several moments going over his conversation and considering whether he had missed any points, Ben eventually approached the group of students in the courtyard who still ate their lunch jovially. Several of them were laid out on the stone benches haphazardly place around, though Mar leant against a column, eating an apple and listening to Jojen chatter. Ben approached the two boys and caught the spare apple thrown to him by Mar, before he sat, taking a bite.

'I don't understand why you are so interested in teaching, you'd probably start a fight within the first ten minutes,' Jojen pondered as he picked rice from his chin and put it in his mouth.

Ben glared at him. 'Nobody cares about your opinion.'

Jojen smiled. 'Oh, I don't believe that for a second.'

'Do you have a mode you use just for mocking him?' Mar asked casually, beginning to chew on the core.

'You could say that. I do like seeing that expression, though.'

Ben tried to temper his expression to look less of a fool, but it failed.

There was some movement and scuffling and Ben turned to see his uncle enter the courtyard and everyone stood to bow to him. The three boys in the back followed suit and Luke looked them over before clearing his throat.

'Several of you have expressed your desire to lead the class in blast defence training.' Luke began and he clasped his hands in front of him. 'I came to a decision by choosing which one of you I believe can provide the most to the other students.'

Ben could hear Jojen snigger behind him. 'Prepare yourself for disappointment Benny-boy.'

The older boy turned with a glare and Jojen put up his hands defensively. Mar merely watched with interest.

'I decided to choose a student who has displayed their ability to lead others when they are struggling and to discipline those when necessary.'

Ben could not help noticing that Luke looked at him when he said the last word and he was ready to walk up to his uncle and bow to the class, when his uncle looked away and found Ikora in the crowd and smiled at the young Kiffar.

'Ikora, I would like you to lead the blast defence training class.'

Expecting to hear Jojen's laughter, Ben was thankful that no such noise came from behind him, as he felt inclined to strangle him immediately if it were to. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore his anger at the fact that Ikora, who was almost five years younger than him, would be leading the class.

The young woman stood and bowed, her black hair reaching her toes and as she straightened, the red tattoos that spanned from her forehead to jaw in straight lines, became crooked as she grinned.

'Next time, hey?' Mar said as he squeezed Ben's shoulder in passing, knowing better than to hang around the boy when he was in a mood. Even if he was confident that he could best him in a fight.

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 **Thanks for reading ;)**


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